I can tell how well I'm doing by how I see the patterns in T's office. If it just looks like "office", I'm probably okay-ish. When I get deeply triggered and scared, I start to see really scary stuff in the patterns on the pillows, carpet, etc. And it feels like the room gets really small.

I remember once, I was SO scared of the patterns on one of his pillows. T worked with me until I could pick it up and toss it across the room. Touching it took some of it's "magic" away.

I just told T at my last session that i wondered if all T's had rugs, pillows, etc. with ornate patterns in their offices, because it's like an ink blot test. When i see the scary stuff, I'm in a really bad place. When it looks normal, I'm fine. And when I have a moment of real connection, freedom, and joy, everything looks extra beautiful.