I had a hard time sleeping last night in anticipation of what I wanted to talk to T about at my appt today and I'm not feeling great right now since my appt with T this morning. I feel like I have a 10lb weight on my chest that I wish would go away. I feel like giving up. I wasn't able to go to T last week for an appt so I felt a little bit disconnected today but T was happy to see me so it seemed and that felt good. We talked about some of what I stated in my earlier post (paying T to listen to me and wanting a safe-secure-close relationship outside the therapy room with others).

Right now I feel so alone. Some of what we talked about was the mother daughter relationship I have with my mom and what I want to do with that. T gave me some homework in that area a couple of weeks ago and I told her I tried to do it but I just didn't want to go there. In the mother daughter topic of conversation T talked about a care package she sent to her daughter who is in college. She talked about how her daughter called her to tell her she appreciated it and it sounds like T calls her daughter once a week or more. It hurt me inside to hear that. I mean I'm happy that she and her daughter have a close relationship however I wished that could be me. I wished I could be the girl that received phone calls or care packages or hugs from my mom - to have a mom that could show love. In many ways I wish my T were my mom (something I didn't share with T). Life is so not fair. I just hope my T doesn't pull the rug out from under me. I'm done soooo done.

Thank you for reading my rant.