So, this month I finally "named" what was most definitely the biggest trauma in my childhood. And now it's just OUT THERE. T KNOWS. I bounce back and forth between feeling horrified and feeling free.

Today in session, it came up again. It feels like it came out of nowhere, but I'm sure something in session led up to it. The session is kind of like a dream. But there it was again - that trauma, and the unbelievably enormous feelings I've been pushing away for so many years. When I'm in it, I feel like I literally won't survive it. It's the most horrible, awful feeling in the world. I really almost can't bear it. I just want to disappear. But there it is, and it is so overwhelming and awful.

And sometimes it comes with "body memories" and that just adds to it. And flashes of images - the door, the sidewalk, just the same crap over and over and over again.

I know that at some point today, T came and sat with me. He did guided imagery to help make the body pain go away. The body pain stayed, but the emotional pain got a little smaller.

It was all so surreal. I remember saying I wanted to stand up, and we stood up, and T gave me a hug and then I sat in his chair and he sat on the couch to do the receipt. He told me a couple of funny stories and I KNOW I laughed.

When I got in the car, I was SO not in my body. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't drive away and it took me a while to remember I needed the key. So, I sat there until I thought I could be safe getting home.

BUT. As I was driving home, I started to feel....lighter. Sad, maybe. With a HUGE headache. But kind of free again. Like...this thing happened, and it's part of my life, and the more I let the pain out, the more I'm going to be free. I won't have to run and run and run to shut it out.

This is twice now that I've let myself feel these BIG, horrible feelings...and twice that on the way home, I've had this breath of freedom.

So. Maybe allowing the feelings IS how we heal. Allowing them, and surviving them, and experiencing life going on.

I guess it makes me sad and angry that so many of us have to go through this to heal. And it makes me grateful that T is there and I *can* heal.

So many feelings.