This doesnt feel like my normal depression. I just want to scream, go outside and walk for miles, i just want to get away from my home, but every place i think of to go, i dont want to be there either. I'm starting to think bad thoughts and have been self harming.
I'm on no medication cause my doc thinks i have bipolar so need to get dx before i can be on any meds. i left my job, cause i was depressed, got a new one, started 2weeks ago. realised at least in my old job my employers understood my condition. I am not telling my new employers about it, i just dont feel comfortable to.
I find myself just getting up going to work, my work is in front of a huge, bridge, i keep getting so wound up, i'm trying to stop myself from crying, i just wanna walk out and hump off it. the feeling is ]so strong, its never been this strong before (except when i actually tried to kill myself, but that felt different to this, calmer and controlled) i'm at home now. And i CAN NOT stand the thought of the pressure i have to go in, i am like rubber, if u push it against a wall, it wont resist your pushing it will just kind of jump out, (i know what i mean) i cant take a day off, i have to keep going in, but they keep asking, "are you ok?" when i am trying my best to keep it from them, but find it impossible to hold a coversation with them.
i am angry and irritated and hate myself.
i feel completely MANIC.. I CANT STOP MY HEAD THINKING AND GOING AND I NEED TO SAY THIS SO BADLY.
and my stepdad just tried to talk to me nicely and i totally snapped at him. i cant go to any friends, cause one they dont deserve to have to put up with me in this terrible state and 2... i dont know..
i'm trying to hide all this from my mum cause, my last really bad state i wasnt living with her and she worried sick and then i moved back on to ease my money pressure and that and she just hates the fact i have this, and she is absolutely **** in regards to peoples feelings.
as much as we love each other, she has no concept of what i am going through.
what do i do?
i know no one can answer. Or at least, you're not going to give me the answer i wasnt. but i dnt even know what answer i want, i just need to get the 3 billion things that are in my head OUT OF MY HEAD. i want to be OUT OF MY HEAD.
vodka? that sounds good, but i know i shouldn't!