I took T a cup of coffee from Starbucks and a card I made her. She was kind of surprised about the coffee and asked me why I brought it and I thought for a minute I had crossed some boundary. But once we got in her office I said, it's the 2 anniversary since I started therapy, so I bought us coffee. She must've thanked me at least 8 times, lol. She said she was sorry she didn't remember the date. I totally don't expect her to, it was no biggie. I did mention that she shouldn't expect coffee every week.

I told her that I emailed group-T to ask what kind of coffee T likes and she laughed out loud about that.

So then we talked a little bit about the progress I've made and how I've changed. That felt good.

We talked about other stuff going on in my life for a half hour or so, kids and my school work and my perfectionism and my new car and my new phone, among other things.

We did about a half an hour of trauma work. It was really hard. Not the hardest, but hard. I reached a point where I just felt overwhelmed and I said "I need to be done now" and she said, "okay, we're done." That's one of the first times that I'VE decided we were done instead of T. I don't think we got very far in the story, maybe what would have taken 3 or 4 minutes to tell if I was just telling the story to someone without freaking out and forgetting to breathe and going away inside my head the whole time. Blah.

I dissociated big time. I couldn't feel my body, at all. I was trying to tell T that but the more I tried the less I was able to form the words. I finally told her. She was talking and I said "can you say that again?" only she didn't understand me so I had to say it again, and she said, "put the silly putty away. Pay attention to your hands. Watch them and feel them at the same time. You're still in your body."

Then I tried really hard to breathe and tell T as I was feeling things in my body. it was hard but it was okay in the end.

And at the very end I gave her the card, because I didn't want her to read it in front of me.

When I handed it to her she thanked me again and said "Can I give you a hug?", and I said "yeah!" and then we hugged for the first time.

In 2 years T has touched me twice, and once was by accident. The other time was a tap on the shoulder. This hug was a long time coming and something I wouldn't have been ready for at the beginning. through reading threads here on PC, though, I've thought a lot about it and wanted to hug her but didn't know how to ask. I think I was afraid she'd think it was some sort of sexual advance or something, lol.

Anyway. Big day for me. And bittersweet. This does feel the beginning of goodbye, and it hurts, but the goodbye can take as long as it needs to take. All of life is about hellos and goodbyes anyway, right?

oh, and T gave me some pink silly putty (my favorite color!)

Sorry this is so long. It was a big, important session. I wanted to share it with you guys. You've been on this journey with me for the past year and it wouldn't have been the same without you.