T has spent a long time getting me to reach out for comfort and reassurance, and I can do that pretty good now. So he's (gently) redirecting me to comfort myself, to reassure myself. It sucks because my knee-jerk reaction is:

I will never tell him anything again, I'll never ask for anything again, it was so stupid to get tricked into opening up when he never wanted to be there for me to begin with, I am just going to keep my MOUTH SHUT, I can take care of myself just fine like I always have.

Holy overreaction! I was so upset at this suggestion. Probably because part of me (the child part) is perceiving T as pushing me away. I finally have someone who cares and now he's telling me to care for myself? That's maddening. That little part of me that wants T there to care for me probably wants that forever, though, and that's not going to help me in the long run.

I also think some of it is a reminder: T suggested that I phrase something differently in order to see it differently, and my abuser used to make me apologize for things using his words exactly. Yuck.

But mostly, this is just UGH UGH UGH. I am done talking about the trauma but now it's all about how my brain has changed because of it, how I react to things. It's scary because it feels like ME. What I mean is, when I get scared by something--say, my anger--it feels so real and valid I can't see outside of it to see that my fear is a reaction rooted in the trauma. Learning to talk myself down from those scary places is...well, scary.