Rohag - Your story is perfect. You are right. I do need to sit and wait and watch. It is at times like this where I am completely helpless and have no control over his actions, that I need to find more inner peace and strength than I have ever needed before. It is heartbreaking..... so very very heartbreaking.

MsNiteOwl - Thank you for sharing your wisdom. You are also right! For a week or so I was able to put the focus on the children and me but it was distracted by "hope" .. not the good kind of hope but the kind that will kill you if you keep holding on to it. It is time for me to face some very difficult facts and the biggest is that this will be a very long journey. I do need to find a way to stay strong, focus on the children and take care of me.
MsNiteOwl what did you do to finally pull yourself out of the muck and make the changes to "put yourself first" ?

I need to make some financial decisions soon. Whom do I turn to for advice?
I want to make Thanksgiving plans, birthday plans for the children, Christmas plans..... Do I make these plans without regard for him? Do I consider that he will be depressed so I don't have anyone to our home?
Do I NOT consider this and just move ahead with the plans regardless of his darkness?
I hope I can find the path where I can do this alone and be confident. His words, looks and hatred ooze into me and it truly does erode my strength. It takes all I have to let it bounce off of me. I am truly in constant prayer because that is my refuge.
Hugs,
BeAtPeace