So glad today is T day. Have to go into work after major flashbacks from the most silent alter part of me. That part finally has her voice so this is what T and I think is the very bottom of the bucket on the trauma work. I just keep wishing my mind had nothing else in it to bring up! But I had 2 missing years of my life that relate to the age of that alter. I know now some of the memories, but they are still so far away and I am not emotionally connected with them. At least wasn't until this part of me felt safe enough with T to start to share.

I hate it that right when I am safest with T ( FINALLY!) that this has to come up. I want to just say "Yippie! I am all better now!" and be done with the whole mess of trauma work! URRRR!

The other thing is I am worried that T is going to be like "More stuff?!?" and then he will take away the love he gave me. I know THIS is coming from my childhood of being punished if I was hurt and said anything about it to my mom. Or with telling teachers at school what the boys were doing to me on my walk home - and having them tell me that "good girls don't do things like that" - AS IF IT WERE MY FAULT !!! UGGGG!!!!

Anyway, I am not sure how today's session will go. I want to feel safe with T but that part of me needs to talk about the three big flashback bits that happened last night. I shot T an email while they were going on so he can bring them up for me - I didn't even look at what I emailed yet because I know they will trigger me and I have to make it through the whole day at work still.