Quote:
Originally Posted by treehouse
I e-mailed T earlier about the shame, and he sent me back the best e-mail ever. It feels like way way way way more than I deserve...to be understood and loved and not judged...and I'm having a hard time opening up and letting it in.
T wants me to let love in, and let love crowd out the shame. It feels almost like a battle inside.
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((treehouse))
I understand exactly what you're describing.
My T was very kind and reassuring as I talked to him about my tragic memories and emotions. My instinct was to push him away. I became angry ~ and shared those thoughts with him as well. It was very nice to be able to tell my T that I hate myself. I feel evil. I, therefore, don't seek my T telling me that I'm okay. I'm not okay! My T accepted that. And in my T accepting my point of view, I became more accepting of his point of view.
My T is sure to be careful with his words, rather than throw out immediate reactions. That helps me get through it too.
I have slowly come to better terms with the idea of me not being so evil. It takes time. It hasn't been an overnight process for me. Instead, more like the chiseling of Mt. Rushmore! Little changes made week after week, but looking back, I can see an enormous change.
You'll make it through ~ you are doing great!