So, I have not been in therapy for some. I take my meds, work hard in my daily life to stay accountable, be productive all because I want to get better. But lately I have struggled with feeling like I am not better just sheltered. I have limited social interaction, am fortunate enough to have social security and a support system at home. But I want more, I want to go back to school, I want to provide a steady income for my family and I would like to not be so lonely. I have no friends to speak of, am not there for my spouse and nearly as much as I would like to be. I don't know why but for as long as I can remember being close to people is very hard on me. Even as a child I sat at the edge of our activities and watched unable to connect with them. My teacher even tried to gently coaxed me into the play area and I freaked out and she decided to just leave me alone. It's been this way my whole life. I stay up all night and sleep all day, flipping my schedule so I don't have to interact with most people cause either they are asleep or I am. It's not a matter of wanting to not deal with people but an inability to. I strongly believe I am Bi-Polar because my use of various medications and the responses. But I have gone to therapy in the past and they don't seem to have any answers. I get the same approach time and time again. If you really wanted to be better you would make the necessary changes and eventually you would get well. I have made a lot of changes. I was an alcoholic and I quit that because I wanted to get better. I stopped playing online roleplaying games to excess because I wanted to get better. I stopped locking myself away from the outside world in a room where I used empty soda bottles for the bathroom because I didn;t want to be around people because I wanted more from my life, but i still struggle. So I went to therapy today. I got the same thing again. "What do you want to get from therapy?" I am thinking to get better. But I get the same stuff over and over again. I know that we have to make healthy choices from moment to moment is how we get better. Deciding I am not going to have a drink is done in the moment that the drink is placed before us. That every time alcohol is placed in front of me I have to say no is the only way I am going to get better. That deciding it's okay to not do it just this one time is okay. Or saying, "I am never going to completely be able to stop drinking so I might as well have a drink." I have worked hard for the last 8 years or so to get better but I still am lonely, still can't leave my house, I want a job but am afraid I won't be able to keep it. It's not a matter of wanting it bad enough I just don't think I can. I have accomplished a lot recently. I am on my way to home ownership and have a loving and supportive woman in my life. I want more for me so I can give more to her but I don't know if I can or ever will. It's wearing me down and when I reach out for help and have someone tell me I am lazy hurts. Thanks for reading, especially if you made it to the end.