I have to have a place to write. I am hurting and anxious and about to lose it inside and out. I just finished a nonviolent crisis intervention class tonight. I was told to pull my partners hair so she could practice the release move. I did...it did not work. So the trainer had me pull her hair and she could not get me to release either. She said I was thinking about it too much or else I would release when she did the maneuver. I told her I wasn't. She insisted I was. I told her I have ptsd and maybe that because I was so aware of potential trauma that is why it did not work. She said some kindergarteners will instinctively do what I did. Then when I did the grab I was told very few people grab with their thumbs down. I felt so inadequate. What comes so naturally to others does not to me. Can I help that? I cried and of course everyone was trying to reassure me. If they only knew. Maybe I should tell them. Tell them about the beatings and rape and torture and desensitization to pain or the threat of pain. I am crying. I am no good to anyone.