After my last session, I realized that when my therapist rephrases (validates/reframes) something I've just said, it annoys me and often I shut down. Not that shutting down is anything new, it seems to be my answer to just about everything...
When she does this my anger flares because I feel like I am not articulate and her doing this highlights that flaw in me. Like she is lording it over on me that she can condense into one concise statement my 5 minutes of struggling to explain something. I know this isn't what her motive is, and I know she is putting it out there for me to look at and think about, letting me know she's heard me, giving me sometimes a slightly different way of looking at something. Still, it can feel like a power struggle or competition or something like that.
I don't get it. I want her to hear me and yet when she does and offers me this rephrasing or validating, I (the bratty kid) want to say "Oh, yeah? What do you know, anyway?!". All of which, for now, stays hidden behind the mask of silence/unresponsiveness. But now that I'm just noticing, I need to talk about it in session when it happens. ugh.

I realize now, as I write this, that the anger is also about the hug I crave sometimes. Not always--sometimes the idea of it feels creepy. But other times... Anyway, I told her that sometimes therapy seems so pointless because there is no comforting. This is what I used to control tears for many years: why bother, there is no one there to comfort you. Worked like a charm. So when I said that, she asked what would comforting be for you, how can she provide that, etc. Part of me was mad that she didn't remember, or was choosing to not make reference to the hug I have talked about. Part of me was mad at me that I could not say so, that I could not refer to it either, and that I could not come up with a non-physical way to be comforted. I felt so stupid. And needy. And the silence can be bratty retaliation. *sigh*

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I need to know more about my shutting down and writing helps me look at it.