I think a couples counselor could help, too, but I'm scared because I think their tools will be for "well" people. The non-scared part of my brain says that I'm rationalizing because I'm afraid of being vulnerable, and that I could just try it and see!

We don't really "fight." He can say or do any innocent thing and I can get hurt or irritated because of my own mental issues. If he knows I'm upset he gets flooded and silent. That makes me feel like he thinks of me as a scary monster, or that he doesn't care enough to talk to me. My fear/anger/abandonment/guilt feelings blow up worse, and my brain gets on the cognitive distortion train: "he always does this, we'll never work out, I have to get away, he should understand by now, I'm an awful person for fighting, he's a jerk..." Then I do my passive anger thing and hide...and seethe.

We've done enough work on our issues to see the pattern and forgive ourselves and each other afterward. Sometimes we can stop in the middle or shorten the bad times, but not always. We're getting better. It just hurts so much to be in it!

I've never thought about hope and resentment being related, but it's true that resentment happens because I wish things were better. Otherwise it would just be dislike. But until we get better, hope + perfectionism + black and white thinking + tiny disappointing thing = HUGE PILE OF RESENTMENT AND FEELINGS. I could do without the huge pile!

This gave me a lot to think about. I am feeling much better today. Thanks so much for the perspective!!