I've had some form of repetitive strain injury in my hands for over a year - originally I thought it was caused by playing the violin, but I'm beginning to suspect that my hair pulling is actually having more of an effect - and the various physiotherapists I've seen have also noticed problems in my arms, shoulders and neck...feels like most of my upper body's a mess, really. Got a reminder of just how messed up I am a couple of hours ago - accidentally bumped my arm just above my elbow, and practically jumped out of my skin it hurt that much.

So frustrated and annoyed at myself for letting things get this bad, especially since it's my own damn fault! If I could just stop pulling my hair out I might actually give it a chance to get better, but it's so hard to stop even for a day or two. And even when I managed to stop for a month (only recently started up again, actually) it didn't make that much difference, I was still having problems.

Feels like there's nothing I can do to actually make it better, all I'm doing is making it worse. I've been to four physiotherapists and had blood tests to rule out things like arthritis, I've tried taking ibuprofen which made no difference whatsoever, and I'm getting referred to orthopaedics but I have no idea when the appointment will be, they didn't tell me how long the waiting list was...

And I haven't played the violin since the end of February to see if that helped make things better and it hasn't, and I'm scared to start up again in case I discover I actually can't play any more, or I'm way worse than I used to be. Hate the thought that it's my own fault I might not be able to play again.

Sorry for the ramble, but I'm in a rubbish mood and I haven't been able to tell anyone else that I'm probably causing these problems because they won't understand how hard it is and will just tell me to stop, it's not that easy! I hate myself sometimes...