yeah. i was fine, and fine hurting just a little. and then my friend, aster, came back and suddenly as i showed him what jesse wrote in his webpage (him and jesse used to be good friends and he had helped us patch up our relationship in the past) while he read it i read it over as well, and suddenly i started noticing these facts in this story that wasn't true.. and it wasn't just because i didn't remember it that way, it was actually because i had journals, and chat logs, that proved this version wasn't accurate. the more i went through the page, the more i found, and the more frustrated i got. by the end i was so mad and i spent like a half hour ranting to aster. he was quiet as he listened to me, not really saying a thing, and told me it was good that i was letting it all out. when i was done i was at the resolve that i hated jesse to the core, and rachel and his own guilt had deluded himself into thinking that this was all an innocent mistake on his part. he even said he had left me with just a "good bye" but in reality the last time we spoke was when he was threatening to murder me. Even how he started cheating on me with rachel was completely wrong. he said it was because i had left him on the 13th of august, and then we got back together on the 15th when he had already started with rachel. which is WRONG. chat logs prove, that we had gotten into an argument on the 11th and the very next morning, i had gotten over it and we fixed it up. the rest was them. i have chat logs proving that i had told both of them i was aware that they were trying to contact each other and i wasn't comfortable with it. that was on the 13th. so basically the day before all of this started, rachel did a test, and then got my horrible reaction from it. she learned i was hurt by this little thing, insecure and paranoid, and so on the next day she perused. on the 15th she had asked me if i was okay because i seemed upset even though i was chipper and perfectly normal. now when i look back she was probably looking to see if i suspected or if jesse had told me anything.

it's so clear to me now, so bluntly obvious, what went on.. but for him he has this toned down, biased version, which is full of so many flaws it's sickening. i came to realize he was an extremely selfish person. so selfish that even though he had tried to tone down his actions in his story for his own justification i was sure, it couldn't mask how selfish it seemed. my feelings had been disregarded completely which further proved he didn't know a damn thing about how i felt.. even though i had explained it clearly to him throughout our relationship so many times.

On the bright side however, Aster, through my rants and anger, had taken a pumpkin that he had bought, and wrote down on it that he loved me (you know that nice friendship love) he showed me the pictures, and it completely dissolved my anger, and immediately made me extremely happy. after he left i just became calm, not angry anymore or sad, and i didn't think about it much. i dont know how i feel right now, i know im still a little irritated over it all when i go through it in my mind, but my over all feeling is just "ugh".