Quote:
Originally Posted by shezbut
Hi Neo21802,
I'm not sure if your post is for only men to respond (since it says "Hi Guys"), but I thought that I'd offer my perspective anyway. Yes, I'm a woman.
I agree with Soul Quake. There has to be a limit to your acceptance of this behavior. Especially if your gf does have BPD. I have BPD myself, and can tell you that an important component of a healthy relationship stems from continuity. You have to have limits, not only to protect yourself emotionally (and physically, in some cases), but also to make yourself more steady and dependable. Like kids, BPD's tend to push and push until we find the limits. Once those limits are found, it kind of gives us a sense of safety. Hard to describe, but I'll try.
With BPD, I have a tendency to mistrust people. Particularly men. I have a habit of giving then man everything he could want, in hopes of obtaining his true love and devotion. He may say that he loves me ~ I could even see it in his eyes. Yet, I still believe that he won't always be there for me. I find myself getting into quick moods in which I can become verbally cruel ~ these are all times in which I am feeling very vulnerable. And my instinct is to push him away. If that doesn't work, or he even holds on more tightly, I instictively pull away even farther. I cannot emotionally handle the pressure of being held tightly when I'm in that fear mode. The more he holds on, the more I step away. And push him away at the same time. Very painful!
Does that make some sense to you??
The point is that it really helps both my bf and I that he has limits. He isn't going to egg me on when I'm feeling scared. He'll be there for me, but I need to be the one to open up when I'm ready. My bf just kind of steps back and lets me know that he's always there for me. That helps us get through my paranoia a lot quicker.
My impression is that you may have a tendency to develop relationships with women who are needy. You like to give. And that's very sweet! But, you have to find some self-love too, just like us with BPD.  |
Thanks Shezbut for your post. No, I didn't mean for only guys to respond :P I usually say guys when I'm addressing a crowd.
The only thing is we have a long-distance relationship. We talk once maybe twice a day on weekdays because we're so busy. Sometimes for not very long. I've only physically been with her twice in our relationship (the first time for a few weeks, the second for a month). We've sent each other letters, packages, all kinds of stuff. I feel like limiting her from so far away isn't fair to her. But, maybe you're right and I should still do it. While we're away from each other we agreed that we'd focus on our jobs and classes, so noone feels stifled or TOO free.
Should I tell her to stop talking to her ex? That is... if the current situation gets resolved in our favor...?
And how should I go about doing it without sounding controlling or manipulative? Or making her angry? Like I said, I've kindly suggested that it would be beneficial for everyone if she did stop talking to him. It would help our relationship. It would help her ex get over her. Her best friends advise it so her too, but she lives so far from them that she shuts them out of her life when they say things she doesn't want to hear.
Now that I type this, I make her sound very lonely. She moved away only 1.5 years ago by herself away from her best friends. And I think she is lonely. I try to make her not lonely, and BPD can only make the feeling of loneliness worse. She has friends where she lives now - great ones - but they don't REALLY know her. They don't know about her condition. She doesn't like to talk about her personal life to them. Do you think talking to her ex is somehow making her feel closer to home?
Sorry, I'm rambling. I'm just typing what comes into my head. It makes me feel better. :\