i'm glad it's healthy, but i don't know how long it'll last for i want to have the anger stage for a long time and not have to feel the sadness again... You're right though that i've always known the answers.. i mean i always had this gutt feeling that this would happen again. as long as there is rachel, there will be this cycle. as long as there was jesse, there would always be that other cycle. i knew this, and it was so obvious to me but i didn't want it, i wanted to ignore it. they all said i didn't trust and i was too closed off. but by even setting myself up for that risk i was already making their accusations irrelevant but they never noticed that, never noticed who i was and yelled at me when i didn't match up to the person they wanted me to be.

i didn't notice until just now, how unhealthy it was for me to be around these people. i think aster called rachel a toxic person when he found out everything. She was a poison i kept on drinking and it took me this long to realize. Jesse too was a poison i suppose.. but he was more of a drug, or an addiction. he was the substance that you hated, that you disliked taking, but you needed, and it gave you moments of pure bliss.. but there was the damage that with every dose got worse and worse but so did the attachment and addiction..

Wow. Now i can say I've been friends with a drug AND a poison. how interesting