saw the pdoc on wednesday morning. she is such a sweet, caring lady and admitted to having abuse issues herself. we talked and i cried. still wearing the sunglasses too.

i gave her my answers to the DES test. we discussed these and how D.I.D. is affecting me in the context of what i told her...no missing time, no "coming to" wearing things i don't remember buying, etc. but the compartmentalization i do has split me into many "segments", with so many completely different attributes to each, and how "i" dig deep down sometimes to bring things out to deal with different situations. anyway. am probably in major denial but just can't and refuse to go there yet.

told her i can't afford the $38/hr. for a T. so she doubled my celexa to stop/ease up the nightmares and flashbacks (yes, celexa not only treats depression, but PTSD as well).

she is going to have me talk to the T that holds my groups who also was the one that i would have seen for D.I.D. i wondered why she pulled me aside after the last group to discuss D.I.D. (turns out the pdoc had told her about me). they are all so very kind at this state facility. all the fancy docs over the years did me no good whatsoever. i was here from 1995 to 2006 until they bumped me because i was "stable" ????? but it's like coming home and i feel safe again, and i trust them. wow.

she told me: "you need to start telling the pain, hurt, feelings and thoughts that are coming back to 'stay over there' ". (not to ignore, but to be in control of them finally, and put them in their place, away from me!) she said she knew it was very painful at first to look at everything but then the healing will come. that i need to focus on being in the "now", not in the past. and when the healing takes effect, *i* will be as "one" again.

and she knows about dear dps's chats and her outlines (no names, no web site information given to her at all) and told me to continue to study them, especially the ones on grounding.

so, a little bit more courage to continue. without all of you though, i couldn't do this. and i am nowhere near as traumatized as what i read here. i pray for all of us that we may someday, as my dear pdoc says: "...be happy, ....know love".