Feelings following my therapy session today.

I feel let down.

I feel I was not understood.

She made me feel I was not complying/ not helping myself by not phoning out of hours, not telling hub how bad I truly am even though I explained he has a lot on his plate and I dont want to add to his burden. Plus I have left it so long now and pretended I was fine when I am not, how do I even begin to say how I truly am now? And will he really care - he treats me so mean, why would I give him this "power" over me to treat me like a child, like I can't cope or be trusted? – schema was triggered.

I feel I am not progressing/making little progress – she tried to couch it as positively as she could but you can’t make a “good” out of very little.

Time to stop the sessions I think or drop to every couple of weeks as she suggested before. It’s been 2 years now in therapy funded by NHS……… surely beyond my “quota”, considered private therapy but can’t justify spending that amount of money on myself so wouldn’t do it. Yep, schema triggered again…

I’m just too set in my negative schema way of thinking, just can’t seem to change, they are so entrenched in my head.

Over reacted today at such a slight criticism – for goodness sake, real life is harder than that e.g. work, home, hub – I can’t keep falling at each slight or comment.

But it felt so unjustified. Of course I was listening but I always keep my body still so as to not draw attention but my emotions leak out in other ways – tears, fidget, twitches, fiddle with pen…….And I try so hard always to “get it right” with her, with hub so, when I don’t, it really upsets me, especially because I invest so much effort in trying and yet still fail – yeah, yeah, I know schema triggered again………

She acknowledged she was critical (I hadn’t mis-read her as she suggests I do sometimes).

I am making so much extra work for her – by being a resistant client, the ex CPN matter etc.

So, in summary, if I wasnt feeling bad beforehand (which I was) I surely do now........thanks T