Quote:
Originally Posted by shezbut
It is tricky to hold onto long-distance relationships. There are a lot of barriers between you. I haven't ever been in a long-distance relationship, myself, so it's tough to imagine what the best thing to do would be.
You talk with her daily ~ which is nice. But that sure isn't the same as actually being there. Since you both have told one another that you love each other, have you made any plans for the future? Is there a plan to meet in the middle, or for one of you to move to the other's area? Have either of you brought it up? If so, who? Do you both agree on the outcome?
I think that it would be entirely healthy and fair for you to tell your gf that you feel uncomfortable with her ex in the picture. I'd advise you to word things very carefully: I feel ___, I am afraid of ___, etc. Meaning, tell her how you feel. Focus on your feelings and thoughts, being careful not to imply any assumptions that the ex or your gf may be doing ___. Otherwise, people automatically jump into defense and arguments quickly become intense.
Hopefully, your gf will listen to how you're feeling. You miss her. You want to see her again. You want to be closer (physically and emotionally). Whatever. The point is how YOU feel. Perhaps just sharing this with your gf will be what you're both needing. Intimacy. If your gf were to say that she feels the same, etc, maybe then you could bring up how you're feeling about her ex being in her life. That it makes you feel uncomfortable, scared of losing her, and you don't want to feel this way anymore. What can be done to make these bad feelings go away? Something that she could respond to ~ with reassurance. Working through things together is very healthy for the relationship.
That's my advice. Hope that it wasn't too long or confusing for you. Best wishes!
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Thanks again Shezbut for the response,
We have talked about the future. We planned on getting married, and we planned on eventually moving to somewhere in the Pacific northwest and own horses. We basically had our lives planned out to some extent. And I looked forward to it and she did too. We planned the next few years out too. I would move in with her for 1.5 years between undergrad and graduate school. Then I'd go to a school near her, or we'd move together to a city with a school, depending on what's available job-wise for her. We both brought it up. It was a very mutual decision. And we were in love with the potential future together (I'm not sure if she feels that right now given the situation).
I have told her that I feel uncomfortable with her ex in the picture. I actually did exactly what you said, being careful not to imply anything. I especially didn't because I trust her. Even now, I trust her. Her ex is visiting her and I trust her not to do anything. I told her I was afraid of him breaking her heart again. I told her I was afraid of him manipulating her again. I did tell her how I felt.
She really hates ending friendships. And I witnessed this with one of her friends who really treats her badly and unfairly. I told her that she should just stop talking to her (it was a lot easier to tell her this because there is no implication of jealousy or something). And she couldn't end it. Until her friend ended the friendship. I dunno, even if this whole thing turns out in our favor, I don't want to force her to end all communication with her ex. And I know that until he finds another girlfriend (which he clearly did this past summer) he will pester her. I just want this cycle to end.
Shezbut, I did everything you said the last time this happened. And she absolutely reassured me. She told me it wouldn't happen again. She told me she loved me forever. But, it did. I'm not in a place to point at her, yell at her, and say, "BUT YOU SAID _____" because that doesn't matter. What matters is what is. I want to save our relationship, but I hate getting hurt. I want to save our relationship and know for sure that this won't happen again.
We talked today for the first time in 2 days for about 10 minutes this afternoon. She told me she needed space from both of us. She told me she needed time to figure out exactly what she wanted. This is exactly what happened the last time he came to visit. I suppose this is a good step. It's just frustrating that it only took her ex's constant manipulation of her to question our relationship. The power he had to do something like that to something so special. It makes me want to hit him because clearly what he's doing isn't fair. It makes me want to hit him that he's hurt her so many times, and I wouldn't even DARE think about doing some of the things he's done to her. I hope she realizes that I'm the one for her. I guess there's nothing I can do but play the waiting game.