I've been a member on here for a while now without daring to post anything so here goes... I'm posting on here because I have obsessive tendencies although I don't think i have OCD as such. I've had depression for as long as I can remember although only went to the Docs about 3 years ago when I was completely losing it becoming quite manic. I've been on and off meds - citalopram since then and am currently not taking anything. With depression although I haven't beaten it at least I kind of understand it. In terms of neurochemical reasons anyway. But what I really struggle with is my list making. I want everything to fit perfectly into it's place either spatially ie I want things to be perfectly parallel in a drawer or in time for example I spend hours and hours a week making to do lists and plans and timetables, I have hundreds of apps for it I've joined lots of websites with calendars and to do lists I print off time management worksheets and fill them in, I have probably had 8 or ten diaries this year which I discard when I find a better one. I write things out like life plans and if I make a mistake I start the whole thing again. And every couple of weeks I buy a brand new book with nice clean blank pages then I start it all over again. With all this you'd think I was organised but I do nothing at all. I get up, go to work come home and then do either nothing or plan what I should be doing and never do it. My house is a state and yet I think it's more important to write a list starting with get up brush teeth have shower etc... It takes up so much of my time constantly writing lists but I can't stop it. I feel like once I've made the definitive list or plan or found the perfect software then I can start. I did an online test for OCD which said I wasn't but if I'm not OCD what am I? I'm not weird about germs or anything but I do a couple of weird things like I can only put my keys in my ignition a particular way or I think I'll have an accident and I do the skin picking thing. There's a part of my thumb and my lips that I can't leave alone. I can be awake for hours in bed picking my lip even though it's bleeding but I can't stop and sleep because I can feel the rough edge of the skin annoying me and I want it to be smooth. And back when I was at uni I spent the whole 50 minute lecture packing and unpacking my bag trying to put things in a perfect order so there was no gaps- a bit like those wooden puzzles you get- as my friends watched me in disbelief. I do write things out over and over again til it's perfect and I'm 27 and don't have a handwriting. Is that weird? I still change my handwriting and test different styles to find the perfect one. That scares me a bit. People say that they can judge a person by their handwriting. Well I don't have one. It changes. So what would they say about mine?
I think I've gone on a bit much here I do apologise I'd really appreciate any advise from anyone maybe any solutions? Or even just to know im not the only one. I'm absolutely exhausted and constantly disappointing myself. If I knew for sure that there was a such thing as reincarnation I would definitely end things so I could start afresh a brand new life and do everything properly. I've tried to not live obsessively and promised myself I'd never write a list again but then I start analysing the amount of obsessing I'm doing and trying to stay above the line of normality. I'm sure obsessing about not obsessing kind of defeats the object of it!