Here's a note I just wrote to a Thread Buddy who visits this forum.
After I wrote the note I decided to post it here and see whether others
have similar feelings to those you'll read about below.

****

wow .. you're brave to connect with that shrink. I pray that you can build on that and come out with what you want.

A few months ago I applied to VA for revaluation of my % of disability, writing them a narrative about my PTSD symptoms.

Now they've scheduled me an appointment with a shrink for evaluation. I called and cancelled because of the location ... well, that was a good excuse. However, I asked them to sched it at a VA hospital that has my records and is closer, etc.

I did mention it to my wife about the sched, and cancel, etc. This is the first time in my life I've worked up the courage to tell her that I might bet this kind of evaluation.

i really don't think I can face the shrink if the appointment does get made. I don't trust them (for reasons from the past) and I don't think I can admit the failure that comes with the diagnosis.

One of my symptoms seems to be to avoid being labled a failure. [I know that the system and people around me wouldn't think i was a failure because of this, but to me it seems like a HUGE failure ... I'm built tough and the system made me tougher ... and ptsd wasn't part of the trainnig] Another symptom is almost a nervous breakdown to recall the experiences.

i'm almost going to cry just telling you those words.

IRL I've learned to change the subject, put things neatly in little mental boxes, avoid the thoughts which only come out in dreams... which I've also learned to control by awakening and changing channels.

Anyway ... I admire your courage and voluntary approach. i hope it is ok to ask you about it because it's possibly in my future. Ugh ... I'm almost ready to do something drastic to avoid confrontation of these terrors. (almost tears again - hyperventilating)

OK, I'm changing subjects ... whew!