I've been completely disabled for a number of years now. I don't like it and I do what I can when I can.

But today in the last hour my DJ had a cardiac arrest and was flown to the city Hospital. There are a number of things that have to be done.

This post is to give an idea of what it feels liketo be the carer even for a short time, until the paramedics took over.

Because I am a trained nurse I was able to help the paramedic. I fitted DJ up for the ECG while the PM looked for a vein for the canula. He eventually found one. I was fine until they put him on the gurney to out him into the ambulance.

I managed to go out to the ambulance, but just couldn't bring myself to get into the ambulance. I felt awful, as if I was abandoning him when he needed me most. I told him I would try to drive into town after sundown but he asked me not to incase I had a seizure (am having them very frequently at the moment), so I promised I wouldn't; after all it was very important to keep him as quiet and calm as possible.

For the time all this happened I felt like the carer. I was the one getting medication together and making sure he was as comfortable as he could be under the circumstances. I love this man so much that I would do anything for him, as he would do for me.

I felt the worry, the concern, the love and the fear that something would happen to him. Wanting to know how he was doing I called the hospital only to be told he had not arrived yet but they were expecting him soon. To wait another hour will feel like a week.

Then I had to tell the family; they are coming down to Tassie tomorrow. It will be wonderful to have them here. For him especially, we are close knit so it means a lot.

Bring the carer isn't easy, and a feeling of intense protectiveness overtook me. Seeing him in such pain that he could hardly move. Now he'll have to be careful, so I will be particularly aware of his needs and I'll I will have a very serious word with the doctor who told him he was fine and go away; a matter of a few very short months ago.

Thank you for reading my little rant. I want carers to know that I'll be much more aware of his feelings, his needs and his need for care of his own, from me. I really hope the people you care for appreciate you, a lot,

Rhiannon