I don't post about my many struggles here, I don't post about sucide attempts or sh much or if at actually, when I come here its like another part of my personality posts, the part that wants to survive, I realise I hide the part that doesn't the part that says to T at times, "how much longer must i breathe?" yes thats part of me too, theres part of me that is in a battle to win or die, yes I have serious sh matters going on that are effecting my body, yet I seem to be able to split that part of me off, I was at work this morning, listening to some my ipod and a christina rock song came on, I am athiest that would dearly love to find a good and loving god, but unfortunately thats all mixed up with a cruel and sadistic mother and I still struggle to find good in the world. One of the lines of the song was about about being ok with you by myside, I realised he was singing about life with god at his side, and then I thought about T when she says I need to find the her in me, and when I do think of her, and I use to think of her in this way alot more but lately its like I'm to tired, or I've given up ever really finding good in the world, and wanting to feel its worth while being here, but its not happened really yet, going to T is good, I like it, it makes me feel good when I'm there even when I feel bad when I'm there when I'm there with her I can feel the good, but I think I am my own worse enermy as I dont really meditate on her being with me when I'm not there, it feels like everything falls through me and I forget it, actually this brings me to something a couple of weeks ago when I was desperately worried i am going to end up kiling myself with my sh and I said to T that I feel I've lost faith in our therapy, I dont hold onto like Iuse too, and T sat up and said ok I think we need to make some decisions then she said we can either continue chipping away as we are doing and I dont feel its as hopeless as you feel it is, or you can go and see someone that deals with ***** (sh problem) or we can up the sessions? I went quite and hot and frightened, it suddenly seemed like someone else had taken me over, was i sabotaging myself for real? T said do you feel I have sending you away? I looked at her and said no, I did really, I felt i'd made my worse fear come true, no longer seeing T, but I realised she'd sandwiched these choices with her, the continuing as we are and the upping sessions with the idea of working with someone else who deals with this other issue being in the middle, I felt as if I had pushed myself into a corner and then turned it all around from nearly ****ing it up to telling her I loved her (posted about that session a couple of weeks back), but still this other personality that wants to kill me won't go away, nothing T does or says seems to be breaking the spell and she does so much, and I can't believe I'm still where I am with all of this, and wondered perhaps i need to make more effort to think about her within me instead of allowing this part of me to rule the rooste? its like I am in this battle I don't know whether I will compltely recover or whether I will put myself in an early grave before it happens, idk, I love T so much but am afraid if she can't "fix" me then nothing will work, I am to far damaged, to much taken away, the beast is winning, I can't control it....what could I do that I'm not doing? I seem to be choosing the beast over T, it saddens me and scares me at the same time, I feel I just want to lie in T's arms for ever and never move...I dont like life, how long till its over....goodbye mr chips