I went to a university and got my bachelor's degree and did well (nine years ago). Various reasons have kept me from following up on anything I studied there... low self esteem, severe depression, mild depression etc.

If I want to go back to my (general) field of study I cannot deny that I just need to know a lot more than I do.

I tried taking a class two years ago but it was during a very rough patch of my life and I had to drop the class, even though I enjoyed it. I just wasn't feeling well due to severe anxiety and depression at the time and I needed treatment.

About last year I noticed I was starting to feel incrementally better. Since then I have opened my books again and begun studying a bit. Every so often though, quite often actually I get really down on myself. I don't feel ready to delve into a class yet. The two subjects I have to take are physics and chemistry. I want to study them on my own before taking classes in an effort to keep myself from stressing out too much once I do take the classes.

To be honest, I find total solice in these subjects and I really enjoy this. But... What is my purpose??
I have no idea.
Why am I studying this stuff?
I don't know.

Many people study science to go to school to be a doctor, or a nurse, or a radiologist, an engineer, something.

But all of that still completely overwhelms me.
It all just makes me feel like I am lost in life or I am going about this all backwards. I think I may feel wary because I used to have all of these dreams and ideas and they all fell away and fell through when I got sick (came down with depression). Now I am pretty much terrified to dream. But I do know I enjoy studying all alone, by myself for now.
Am I being delusional that this will ever do me any good?

Sad.