Why I’m seeking treatment (the problem)

- I genuinely hate people at a core level.

- This creates an amount of constant anxiety which I’ve been treating with a combination of Zoloft (50mg / day) and Klonopin (2mg / day). Klonopin helps greatly with the anxiety, Zoloft helps to calm the racing thoughts I have, and then every once in a while I’ll smoke marijuana because it helps to “rest” my mind.

- I believe the anxiety and hatred are deeply related.

- Either the anxiety is so bad that I start to hate the people I’m with or the hatred is so strong that I become anxious and want to leave. I don’t know which is the precise cause, I can only describe this anxious feeling that I get whenever I’m around people. It’s like I start to get anxious, and then start to despise them. I start findings faults with everything. Particularly little things that are of no consequence, the way someone laughs, how they a common phrase over and over, etc. I understand that logically this behavior is really damaging to life in general. You lose friends, relationships, and end up a long because no one wants to be around you, yet the feeling is so strong that it’s easier to give in and be along, or be an asshole and drive people away. That way I won’t make them miserable and worse yet, they won’t make me miserable.

- This has caused me to become completely detached to my family in almost every respect other than business. I don’t enjoy being around them, and although they respect my intellect, accomplishments, and both parents have strong paternal instincts that help them to love me, they wouldn’t otherwise. Worse yet, I don’t ever find myself reciprocating any affection. I care, but I only show it in the help I do for my dad to help grow his company – as business is my only passion.

- The longer I get to know a person, the more I start to hate them. Not to sound totally ****ing nuts, but I feel like at times I’m an optimist. I really hope that the next person I run into will be different, but they’re not. And I don’t even think that it’s different as in they themselves being a different person. It’s more a hope that my subconscious won’t start the anxiety and the hatred and I can form some kind of bond. This has never really happened, although I continue to try to meet new people when I can and always hope for the best.

- I am fairly intelligent, and can be extremely charismatic and persuasive, especially in the realm of business. I’ve owned and operated 3 companies, and now I work for another and just made partner. I can come across as extremely sincere, but I’ve learned to keep a distance from almost everyone. Especially those who care or confide in me. This enables me to fill in the gaps of their personality with “good” behaviors, which helps me to think more highly of them and eases the interaction.

- I’ve had more girlfriends than most people. My sex drive is very strong, although Zoloft knocks it down quite a bit. The girlfriends I have usually end up hating me. There’s never really a reason why. I speculate that it’s because I develop a hatred of them, just as a bi product of being around them so long. Although I try to cover this up and fake empathy and happiness, I think particularly as women with strong intuitions, they pick up the fact that I despise subconsciously who they are, and start to subconsciously hate me in return to the point where they no longer enjoy my presence, and then the relationship ends.

- I also understand that the best part in life is not stuff, it’s relationships. It’s having a family, a great set of friends. Helping other people and having your best friends help you. Share experiences, like movies, traveling, and all the other stuff that a good relationship is and should be. You can’t interact with “objects” or just live with animals, although for the first time in my life I’ve developed a strong attachment to my dog. With this in mind, I often consider ending my life, but I guess I stick around because I’ve learned to enjoy accumulating more stuff, more power, and really hope that I’ll be able to find some kind of drug that will give me empathy and take away this hatred.

Aside from this, my overall state of mind and the severity of the anxiety and the hatred fluctuate back and forth from not so bad to very severe about six times a year. This lead my first phychiatrist to diagnose me with Bi-Polar disorder.

I’ve recently gotten a new girlfriend who loved the person I pretended to be, and now we’re growing more and more distant. She’s gotten closer to me than anyone else and I’m scared I’m going to lose her. I know so much of this sounds contradictory, but it feels like my mind is pulling me in two totally different directions and driving me absolutely nuts.

I just want a fix. Do I need to talk to a psychologist? I’ve tried that before and got no results; it felt as if that I was so detached and distant from the person that they could not relate in any way. They gave me very generic advice and wanted me to talk about my past as if it’s something I’d never done before. I think about it ALL the time, reanalyzing every moment over and over and over again.

I’ve tried medicating but nothing seems to work all that well.

What can I do?