things aren't really getting better.

since last week, she's been so depressed and extra irritable and angry. i know that this is a really hard time for her. i don't really know what i can do. i'm trying... but it almost seems like anything i say is taken the wrong way. i just want to find the right words. and i will always be here to listen to her, but sometimes i know i don't have the right thing to say back. she's got many cognitive distortions that cause her to interpret situations with extreme reactions and thoughts. i will always listen, but i just wish she could make sure to bring this to her T, so they can work through this. the few times i've tried to suggest she talk to her T about what she had told me, she takes it like i'm telling her to shut up. (she then starts telling herself how stupid she is and to shut up and take the abuse that she was feeling). it's just little things that make her freak out... she flipped out and started yelling and screaming when there was a car parked a little too close to an intersection, so part of the sidewalk was blocked. we walked by just fine, safely. yet she thought that the person did that to try to kill her and she yelled at them about how stupid and terrible they are (and for all i know, it was a family trying to find directions or an accessible sidewalk in downtown). i know my partner is dealing with a lot of past trauma, and it affects how she sees the world. it's just not how i see that situation. i dont know how to deal sometimes. she's getting so angry and upset every time she leaves the house, now she's starting to feel she can't ever leave.

she talked to me about feeling suicidal last week, right after it hit her what her mom had even said. she is so angry, and rightfully so. it's ok to be angry that mom had sent her to an institution that kept trying to break her - so that she'd admit she made it up. well, after so long, it's just so hard to even keep trying. she broke eventually and said it wasn't true (when it WAS true), but then that was a big step back for her healing path. her mom heard what she wanted to hear, and now that's what she still believes. that place was terrible for her. they didn't help, they only increased her feelings of isolation and fear and anger at the world. she didn't deserve that, but she feels she did - because how else could people treat her that way? how could her mom send her there?

it's hard because i know that she has cycles with her feelings and her body, too. every month she has some intense cycles, which bring more psychotic episodes and suicidal feelings. i'm pretty sure that that time of the month is coming up this week or so. on top of all these other issues going on, i'm nervous for what might happen. last week during a particularly intense episode, she yelled at me and said some hurtful things. i've never heard her say to me that she wished i would leave her so she could just go away. she told me i was stupid for loving her because she is evil and is ruining my life. and when i tell her i know she's not evil, i love her no matter what and i will always be there... usually that kinda helps, but this time she yelled back. and i know that's not how she really feels. it was in the moment... and the illness of depression is a beast. it takes over your feelings and thoughts. it's not her that said it to me, it was the illness. i hope. i kind of wonder why she didn't switch when it was so scary and intense last week. i haven't seen any of her other people in a while. i wonder how they are doing. i tell her that i think of them. it's just so interesting to me that the kinds of struggles my partner has now are so different from when she used to switch every time something at all stressful happened. she's dealing with so much. i wish i could help better.

i just want to help her keep healing. but now i really am hurting too, and i'm trying not to show it, because she knows she's difficult and then she'll feel bad for hurting me or making me sad, and she'll blame herself and feel worse. i kinda feel stuck. anyway, thanks for letting me get that off my chest. it's hard to keep this all in. no one in my life could possibly understand this stuff i'm going through, or why i keep changing or dropping plans to stay at my partner's house with her every night. it's so hard right now.