rmm5497, I know first-hand how easy it is to question yourself when you are in an abusive relationship. So many aspects of your story sound so familiar to me, especially how he manages to deflect any responsibility for his own behavior ("I had a bad childhood...you're being too judgemental...etc.") Sure, there may be very valid reasons why he behaves the way he does, but his refusal to even try to get therapy, or change in any way, negates any excuse he may have.

And no matter what, you have no obligation to remain in an abusive relationship. And even though you say he has never hit you, shoving you and physically restraining you (holding you down to make you listen) do constitute physical abuse. I would highly recommend contacting a local women's center or spousal abuse hotline to investigate the possibility of a protection from abuse order against him. You should be able to find one in the phone book, but if you would like some help, send me a private message with where you live, and I'd be happy to give you whatever help I can. It may sound harsh to take this action, but from what you have said, he has already exhibited dangerous behavior toward you, and you have every right to protect yourself and your son.

I remember when I was going through this, I had a lot of the same feelings you describe - why can't I make this work? Why didn't I see what he was sooner? But remember...none of this is your fault, it is his. You are the one who was working to make things better, and the failure is his for not doing his part. This is another area where contacting a women's center may help...you will find many women there who have been through similar situations, and can provide you with lots of support and understand.

Of course, we are also here for you, so keep posting, and let us know how everything is going.

Good luck,
mj