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Originally Posted by Sannah
What helped me is that I healed myself and learned how to meet my own needs and/or get the help of healthy others, who I allowed into my life, to help me meet my needs.
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Sannah this something I need to work on.... meeting my own needs and having others in my life to help meet my needs (now I have my T and my husband).
Quote:
Originally Posted by lynn P.
I think we also need to know more about how your relationship is at the moment - meaning are you in contact with her or are you estranged?
If you do want contact - it might be helpful if you look at your mother just a woman and not a mother. Chances are she also may have been abused when she was a child or she might be mentally ill herself - this changes your perspective and you'll then be able to see her as a 'wounded woman' who needs help. When you view her from this point of view, simply as a human being - you might feel less intimidated by the whole concept.
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When I do see her I am triggered usually and I'm waiting for 'the ax to fall' and want to hide if she says something or exhibits behavior that is triggering for me. If I severed the relationship I would feel a loss of the past and what she never was to me. Either way there's pain.
Right now I see my mom once a month sometimes two times a month. We get together so she can visit with the grandkids. On occasion if I am desperate and feel lonely I will call her to see if she wants to go shopping -- that of course leads to me being embarrassed or hurt at some point during the outing and I want to hide.
I think seeing her as a woman and not a mother could be helpful. My mom was never comforting or affectionate for me ever. She is a cold hard person in general and if I asked for comfort it was 'toughen up' and yelling that I received as a child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by purple_fins
I also had a neglectful mother(and father, for that matter) which resulted in not only being the subject of unfair treatment but horrific trauma and abuse as well.
I've done just what our ever so wise Lynn has said   ---
I don't think of "her" as my mother but just as a woman that I happen to know. I learned how so very damaged she is due to her own childhood. She is mentally ill and unable to have a mother-daughter relationship-- ever. So I'm done barking up that tree-- it's never going to happen.
I think the "reframing" has to come from within yourself and not involve the other person if that person is too ill/damaged to comply/understand your feelings and hopes.
I don't know if you've heard of the book-- "Will I Ever be Good Enough; healing daughters of narcissistic mothers"..... within this book you may find validation and coping abilities like I did.
I wish you much healing and understanding.
My PM is always open if you need to reach out. 
fins |
I'm so conflicted right now. Why does this have to hurt so much. I keep her in my life and the pain is there... I don't keep her in my life and the pain is there.
My T told me that me reliving the past hurts is letting my mom hurt me all over again. I agree but how do I get through this? I don't want to live my life feeling this way. I so desperately want peace.
On the subject of reframing the relationship I too think that reframing has to come from within myself. I'm not sure what that means yet. My mom is not capable of being able to 'participate'.
My T told me she is afraid I'm going be stuck and I'm working hard as much as these feelings SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fins thank you for the book recommendation. I may check it out. My T gave me a book to read and it triggered the hell out of me. I couldn't read it
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Thank you all for your ideas. I'm going to be either calling my T or sending her an email to clarify what I think she means by reframing to make sure my expectations for 'reframing' are doable.