The word and other peoples thoughts used to rule what I would talk about too but then a friend of mine killed herself. I had met her mother in a terrific support group and then she joined the group after disclosing her abuse to the school, her mother and the police. This friend kept a daily journal. and while on a very secure mental health unit succeeded in ending her life. her mom and I and the many people she came in contact with went through all kinds of emotions. The prevailant ones after a while were sadness anger and guilt. Little by little from my own lifes problems I sunk into the suicidal mode and I had every intention of carrying it out. Luckily my friend who's daughter had died by suicide gave me the biggest kick in the pants by email, telling me how selfish carrying the suicidal thoughts out was, what my leaving this world would do to her, my support group friends, and above all my son. And then to seal it she reminded me what her and I had gone through the past year from her daughters death. Told me what was in her daughters journal and then sent me a paragraph that her daughter had written shortly before her death that she had wrote to another friend that was dealing with a death. Dorene Boynton believed 100% in life and she battled to the fullest. But what it came down to was her feeling like she was worthless because she was raped in a mental health unit and those cases are next to immpossible to prosecute. though she and her mom along with promenent people we had met going public fought very hard to get the guy put away she kept getting slammed against walls. She became suicidal and she felt she could not talk about the things bouncing around in her head including the topic of suicide. Because she had no outlet for the topic of suicide the thoughts grew stronger until she couldn't take keeping them inside any more and let it all out by taking her life.

To try and understand what happened with Dorene I started working vollunteer work on the suicide hotline. During training I found out something very interesting. Suicide wins by the person keeping quiet until it builds and the suicidal person stops talking about it, they plan for a long time while outwardly they act like they are doing great. They work very hard at convincing everyone they have contact with that everything in their world is top of the world great. This way the people in their lives have absolutely no idea they are going to attempt a suicidal act so no one is able to stop them. A siucidal who is talking about the thoughts rarely follow through with an act.

So now I say NO I won't let suicide have that kind of power over me. Thoughts and talking about them is ok but acting on those thoughts is wrong. When those thoughts come I email my friends, call the hot line, and I write over and over again - Siucide, Dorene, Suicide, What did Dorene need to say that she couldn't, What do I need to say now. and I just keep going writing, drawing and talking. When the people around me bring up the topic of suicide I take the time to talk about suicide and Dorene and why my friend brought it up and also in relation to me. When I get scared of the topic and word suicide I remind myself not to give it power over me and I go to the website momorial set up for Dorene Boynton and I read each and every post to her and I have posted one there myself. Dorenes act of siucide was selfish and so on but I am deturmined that her death is going to mean something. And the only way that is going to happen is if I stay alive and I talk about what happened to her and continue to talk when the thoughts of suicide come up for me.

THE TOPIC AND WORD SUICIDE ONLY HAS WHAT POWER OVER ME THAT I GIVE IT AND I CHOOSE TO GIVE IT NONE.