I've been VERY fortunate that I've been stable for a long time and very grateful in the process. I have always been painfully aware of the roller-coaster as a rapid cycler but have not been full-blown maniac or depressed in years and have forgotten the feeling of doom that it will not end.

What's happened...
While pet sitting, the dog died in my care; not my fault, but died nonetheless. I stayed up all night to take care of him. Forceably staying up and the emotions sent me into a full blown maniac episode for a week, no sleep, even while trying to adjust meds under doc's orders. Then Friday, I crashed, couldn't get off the couch until Tuesday and even now I feel like a slug. It is depression and the meds now. The tears, anxiety, and wretching feeling in my stomach are overwhelming. I am cycling rapidly in the process but leaning into depression.

My friend, who's dog passed, is back. She came by and is very thankful I took care of him. I just feel so awful for her and how it all turned out. I also cannot be there for her right now and feel like a terrible friend, when she is going through so much besides the losing the dog.

I haven't been able to function or to study. I have an exam Thursday and Monday. There are a ton of half started projects in the house from last week that never finished because I was all over the place into everything and even things that I normally have no interest in; house is a wreck and still no energy to even begin fixing it.

Person had been seeing, knew of the BP, didn't really KNOW of the effects of BP until now. It took a lot to get to the point of telling about it again and to that point in a relationship. He doesn't want to continue seeing each other. I wish I could say 'ce la vie' but it does hurt.

I'm trying to go to class but I am not really there. One minute I just don't care, yet have anxiety over it the next. I have hardly eaten, no appetite or energy now. I just have hit bottom.

It took so long to stabilize before; I worry it will not happen again, as the tears start to come again over just this thought alone.

Please just remind me this will pass....