Openmind0722
You have a good and gentle heart. I remember thinking I was so much better off after having known him as a man, not just a therapist. But now it's been a year and a half since I last saw him or had contact. Part of me thinks fondly on some memories, but I would never go back. If he called me today and said meet, my heart would beat 100 times faster, it would make me both anxious and hopeful, but I could never see him. Why?

Well, because all the magic and feeling that he truly loved me in a mature way, loved me enough to do what's right for me...well, he can't. In actuallity, as I look back, I did all the loving and caring and accepting and bending. All my maternal instincts were up, but why was that? Because, I knew he needed my "love" and in return I felt very needed and special, I really did, like no one else could understand him like I did, that I could care for and about him like no one else. I was devoted and understanding, as you are. And I needed him with all my being....or so I thought, and so he thought.

What was that? Romeo and Juliette, star crossed lovers? Or was it desperate loneliness that we both felt, was it unbridled neediness, and feeling so sad and empty that only this "healer", this man who listened so devoutly to my every word in his office with caring and love that NO ONE ELSE had ever exhibited, was that what this love was. He was the first super strong connection I had with a man, woman or child, because he LISTENED TO ME, HE SAW ME for who I was, he was the prince on the white horse....he was the fairy tale of my childhood.

Wasn't it just my deep dark loneliness connecting with his? And connecting that way is like suffocating then finding air -- you can't let go of that sort of connection while you are still fragile and unable and unwilling to be cut off and swim alone again. You can't, not with any emotional strength or the tools to make it in a healthier existance. But since his job was to put you in a place where you were able to get to healthier, less dependent existance....he failed....because in connecting with you, and not teaching you to be able to handle life without HIM, he took money for a very important job that he failed in performing. And, it was your money he took, your devoted love, your connection, your time....and all that time should have been spent learning how to not feel like you will drown with out him.

That is why there is a rule, that you can date our therapist after having had no contact for a full 2 years. I get it now. Because if you can make it in a healthy way without him for two years, you would be okay with him. But even that, I have trouble with since the initial attraction is really based on this connection that happened when you were in a very unhealthy state. It's his job to realize he deep need for love from a person he is helping, and to NOT try to fix it himself, but to take himself away from you immediately by giving you to someone who can heal you. And then, he should revisit intense therapy to find out why he needs to love a patient.

AND THAT is the definition of LOVE. To care for the other, more than yourself. But not everyone can always do that, but when as a therapist he/she finds they are longing, and needing more than healing, then the relationship must end and each should find therapy elsewhere.

Love should be free and clear of pain, of guilt, of secrets, of longing, of hiding of suffering. If it is not, it is not love....it is need. And when you need so intensely, you cannot think clearly.