Today was my first visit in my T's new office. I know why he had to move there... and he kept as much of the old way his office looked... but now there is a couch ... and it makes sitting looking at him odd and very off square which totally f'd with my OCD crap. I kept my purse right with me part of the time as I was mostly ready to just run out of the office and not look back!
And I don't like the long hallway with tons of doors for other offices... ANYONE could just walk into that space off the street. Thankfully the walk is not too long down that hallway so I can run now that I know where T's office is. And there are stairs that go to the second floor (thankfully he is on the first floor). I hate the fact that it is more downtown and there is just way too much traffic when I leave. Driving after therapy session is hard enough for a DID person, but leaving in rush hour will be risky if a younger alter comes out or if my angry alter happens to be too much there like it was when I left today.

I have a hard time with change anyway and I was shaking when I finally got to his office. I stood outside his door for 5 min trying to figure out if I just needed to open it or what... I opened it and shut it silently several times before finally deciding to go in - it goes into a sitting area first then over to T's room behind another door.

Now I have a migraine and I was so dissociative that sometimes I didn't understand a thing he said. I am not mad at him... I am just mad at the dumb universe as it obviously hates my face. He was asking if I was feeling SU and I said "NO" and knew the answer was NOT NO !!!!


The whole universe is changing everything in my life right now at the exact same time with work and with T and with my limited friends circle. I totally give up at this point. He told me to take it one day at a time and I thought "Well, for now that is the only option I have!"

He was asking about seeing me again this week but he didn't have time when I am not at work. He was asking about Friday and was going to have me see him while he was doing testing for someone (he doesn't need to talk with them when he does that) and he could just see me... I really appriciated the thought and offer but honestly I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER IN A BILLION YEARS want to go back to "THAT PLACE" .... I HATE IT !!!!

Yes, I am hard with change but it is like the universe took its giant hand and b***h slapped me!!!!



Oh and I didn't see any of the stuffed animals my alter Little One gave T - which he does work with adults. I don't care really - not from an adult standpoint. But not seeing them just made me totally feel like I no longer had a T even though T was there. Ir was like I didn't belong there at all. Maybe I don't. Maybe this is the universe's way of telling me to grow up

OH and I found out that someone I know "kinda" (Been to a few parties years ago where she was there - she happens to be a sorta high profile lawyer for lesbian / gay rights in my limited social group So now I will be extra mindful of NOT letting her see me as she still hangs in that social group and my ex-S/O (who was a primary abuser when I was a kid) may still be hanging out with her. So now I am terrified that she will see me and tell my X that I am going to see a therapist! And then my X is the type to sign up to go to my T if she know that!!!! IDK.

I feel childish for feeling this way and the adult side of me is very happy for T because it is HIS space. He worked hard to get his practice and to do things his way. And I am very thrilled that he has this! He is a very wonderful T. So why does it hurt me so much just to have the change?