In session today, we really just ended up talking about how big my feelings are for him. I think. It was all kind of painful and embarrassing and confusing and messy. I think I got angry at him....not hugely angry, but just grumpy angry.

At one point, I told him I didn't see how it could be healing...to have grown up trying to be loved and not getting it, and now to be replaying it and having it turn out the same way. Even though I know it's not really the same, and T does love me. I don't know. Anyhow, he was like "yeah, maybe it ISN'T healing". I know he was thinking out loud and being in the mess with me but still....it was hard not to hear "so let's just give up". But he said it would be sad if I stopped now, and that he wants us to keep trying.

I sent him this e-mail.

I know that we joke about me wanting to be your favorite. But it's not a joke, really. I want you to love me best. I just do. I want to go there and work hard and be honest and be vulnerable and let you see the real me and, despite everything, be the one you love the most. I tried so so so so so so so so so so so so so so SO SO hard growing up to be good and be loved and it never worked. I know you can't fix it. But it FEELS LIKE YOU CAN. I kind of *do* think you can. Because it feels really real.

It really feels like, here I am, AGAIN, and I can't get this person to love me.

And, on top of all of that, I probably do feel a little bit "in love". Or maybe my love for you is just really really big. And the whole thing is just so unbelievably painful.

You say "you have to find a way to get these needs met outside of therapy" or whatever. But that's just it. I CAN'T, because no one will ever know me the way that you know me. Everyone's love will always have "but they don't know the REAL me" attached to it.

And then I feel stupid to think I deserve to be loved ANYHOW. And, you know, spiral, spiral, spiral.

So. Therapy. It's SO freaking painful. I wish you could fix it.

I KNOW T can't fix it. I KNOW it's part of the process. And it sucks.