I've been trying everything. it isn't really even such a big deal... 99% of it is junk mail so it won't take any sort of significant amount of time to go through it. now of course i am worried about all the bills but that is only a recent issue because i'm not out of money yet and could have easily kept on top of this at any point. i am still struggling with it. i seem to be sabotaging myself. for instance i have bad arthritis in my knee so i can't bend down. my floor is a mess (i drop stuff there and can't/don't want to pick it up) i keep bringing in the mail and just dropping it on the floor and then not looking through it because it hurts to bend down.

i've been so incredibly down recently and have felt so abandoned. i have some good friends but they really don't have the time or energy to help me with this (the depression) even though lately i have been outright asking for help. i'm between doctors because of insurance and waiting way too long for my next appointment. i managed to call and get a new appointment a week earlier, for tomorrow, but now i haven't been able to find anyone with the time or who cares enough to come and shovel my snow so i'm trapped here and may likely miss the appointment.

i've been seeking out support groups to try to get through the periods between doc visits. last week i missed ALL of them. new one on tuesday that i was really looking forward to, but i got lost and couldn't find the place. figured it out for next week (tonight, actually) and clung to the fact that i had a good friday group to get me through, but i made it to the friday group and no one was there (apparently cancelled because of snow) so i really struggled this weekend, tonight is that new group again, but once again i will probably miss it because of the snow. i keep feeling like i;'m getting "signals" from the universe.

i;ve been pretty hopeless and desparate for more than two months now (home from work for that long, unable to function) and this depression has been a growing problem for more than two years. one of my biggest regrets now is that i don't have anyone who can help me when i need it, not for little things like shoveling my snow or more importantly to visit once in a while to give me some emotional support. i have no family of any use (my dad is a huge source of problems, not a solution in any form) so if i stumble here, i.e. hospitalized again, get sicker, can't keep up with my bills... i will be completely on my own and i don't know if i can survive this on my own. every day has been a huge struggle and i don't know how i made it this far. it may be a good sign that i've made it this far except that things keep looking bleaker and bleaker on all fronts and i really feel like i am sliding downhill with no brakes.

this should all have been in a new thread... i've been waiting to post wanting instead to just hang around for a while. there is a lot more to this sometime soon i'll have to repeat it all again.