Hello every one

It's been a while since I posted and wanted to let every one know why. I have been so depressed over many issues, that I attempted suicide so.....I was hospitalized in a mental ward for a week. I also began shock treatments again to see if they would help me. Personally, they are a joke in my opinion, my veins are bad and stripped so they have put me on hold for a week before I recieve another one. I have made the choice not to proceed these treatments any further because they are really affecting my body, so much pain because these treatments cause you to seizure and even though you are under a controlled inviornement, I wake up feeling like I have been in the worse car wreck imaginable not to mention my poor veins are shot and my arms look worse than a junkie. Anyway, nothing is helping me so my husband and I are going to start group therapy soon to see if that may help me with my deepest dark moments in my mind.

Everything is falling apart for me. We have no money, I am behind on child support and I was just told yesterday that if I want to see my children for Christmas I must travel to Missouri ( I live in Texas) to see them. In many ways I do understand and agree. It is a long drive here and it really isn't fair to my kids to make them endure such a long drive there and back with only 4 days of enjoying Texas. Their Grandmother which I HATE by the way, she is very wealthy and her husband is in the top 4 criminal defense attorneys in the USA. He was one of O.J. Simpsons Attorneys way back when. I can't fight them, tried and lost my kids to them. Anyway, her and I spoke about why I am so behind, I told her it was my health but did NOT tell her where I was or why my God I might as well shoot myself if I ever allow her to know. I did admit I was in the hospital, my cancer is coming back and my meds are eating us alive. Because we are broke, I haven't been able to keep up with child support. So, she is going to fly me to Missouri so that I can see the kids there. My husband will have to drive, they refuse to help him in any way but thats ok, he is tough and doesn't mind. I will come back with him after the holiday break is over for my children.

I thank all those who have been in touch to check up on me. God bless each of you, and I pray for those names each night. I am not making that up, I really do pray for you guys.

As for myself, I think these shock treatments have made me worse. I can't remember much good, but I sure as heck remember all the evil, the bad and ugly that has made me this way. Nothing seems to work for me. Not meds, not the shock treatments, not prayer, NOTHING. The only reason I am choosing to stay now is because I see the light in two areas. My children need me even though they don't get to live with me or see me as much as they want, AND, I have such a wonderful adoring husband. He is tall and sexy, the kindest man I have ever met, so full of love and devotion to me no matter what I have put him through. He needs me just as MUCH as I need him.

Thank you for all that read this rather long post, I do appologize. I so wish I could help some one out there as I have been helped by certain members here. I am a very good listener so if any one wants to vent privately, I am your gal and I promise I keep everything private, even from my husband. He doesnt push me into telling him anything that I don't wish to share unless it concerns me wanting to end my life. I promise that has never had anything to do with anyone in here. It has to do with me feeling like a mother without her children. I have been replaced by money, a huge beautiful home, and all the extra curicular activites money can buy. Hell I can't even afford the child support so I don't know where we are going to get money to buy them each a christmas gift. That thought is killing me inside and I don't know what to do. I try to get work, but every one knows I have cancer, mental issues etc so they won't hire me. I am so down. Sh** I am just babeling on here......so sorry. I am done.

Take care everyone, and keep in touch if you need a friend. That is one thing I CAN DO.