I'm assuming you treated him the way you did because you felt safe in doing so. You know that saying "you always hurt the one you love." I have dealt with something similar to your situation. You want someone to get close, and as soon as they do you become uncomfortable, and do anything to cause conflict so they withdraw. It becomes a very sick dance, that repeats itself over, and over.

Seriously, go to therapy. You can move past this. Look to your childhood and see who you feel abandoned you, abused you, etc. Interview any potential T though..there are a lot of ineffective ones out there. You CAN be happy and in a fulfilling relationship. You have to be brave and willing to be a little uncomfortable when looking at your behavior. I wish you well.