I don't mean to sound horrid about my Dad either even though sometimes it might come across that way. But, I'm not really encouraged to have friends. Not saying he steers me away from them, but he puts most emphasis on how people are usually not worth the time and effort. I'm not really encouraged to do much besides go to school and watch my brother either.

I understand how he wants to have his life and all that, but as I've said before there have been times when he was out for over 24 hours and he doesn't carry a cell phone. The cops have even come here, and again I had to talk to them by myself, because his work called me, found out he hadn't been home in forever, and filed a missing person report. He came back before they actually went looking for him, but still it was scary.

I also understand that I'm 15 and I should be pulling my weight around the house, as he works a lot, and is a single parent. That is what people tell me, they all tell me I should be cleaning and I should be this and I should be that, and neighbors have knocked on our door telling me that my brother is beating kids outside with sticks and swearing and throwing rocks, and then I have to go down there and wrestle with him into the building. While doing so have those same neighbors tell me that my brother never listens and he is this and he is that, and the kids also say it too, as if I didn't know. The last time I went to my friend's house (who is now mad at me) her mom would ask me if I cleaned like her daughter, or if I could cook, or if I could do laundry and when I had to say no, they all looked at me weird.. like if they were thinking in their minds that I was a useless person. Then there is the cops, and my Dad telling me that I should also be able to do all these things cause "everyone else does it". My Dad loves the "normal" excuse. I have to be normal, just like everyone else because what everyone else does sets the criteria for my life.

In everyone's heads I SHOULD be the "normal" A++ student on honor role who goes everyday, who comes home and can cook and can clean and juggle homework and watch her brother and do laundry, be my own therapist, be mature, and never argue, or have feelings, or friends cause screw the world, and be just super daughter-mom. I can barely work up enough energy to do one of these things, let alone them all. I hate the pressure and the expectations. Everyday I'm constantly reminded of the level everyone says I SHOULD be at and then the level I actually am on. It really does make me feel useless.