For any one who has read my recent post about why I have been gone, my return, and what may seem as a miracal to many about my ex mother in law flying me to MO for Christmas, I am terrified of it. I know this woman and she is the most controlling manulitive Bi*** I have ever EVER met. She believes that money makes you worthy of life and all it has to offer, however, if you are poor (like myself) you are just a play toy for her to buy and toss around as she pleases. As I mentioned before, but for those who did not read my last post, when I left that family I took my children and fled out of fear. I swear when I say they are as close to mofia as the meaning of the word comes. Once your in, you NEVER are let out no matter what you do, where you go, or how sick you become. I HATE this woman even though she is offering me a free ticket to be with my kids for Christmas. Truth is in the custody papers I am intitled to bring them to Texas every other year for spring and Christmas breaks, as well as 7 weeks in the summer. Considering my health is poor this year, every one including myself I admit feel it is best that I go to them not requiring them to be stuck in a Van for half their trip ( driving time). Even though she seemingly made a genorous offer to others, there will be a huge price to pay on my part. I will have to bite my tongue and on top of every thing I am not sure of how they will handle my kids staying with me at my parents home for a few days of their break. My father was just diagnosed of prostate cancer plus 9 of the 20 lymph nodes they removed from his body are malignant. He is in a great deal of pain and he is as stubborn and mean as they come. My parents have a two level home so it will take every thing her and I have to keep the kids quiet and upstairs away from G-pa unless it is HIS idea for a visit.

Ok now for the other family. I can't go into everything, but they are evil in my eyes, they took my babies from me when I left their drug addict, gambeling, embelizing son and made a new life for us. I met Michael who treats me and my kids like gold but he is not ever allowed to walk on their property, and if the kids mention his name they are punished. I don't get along with my own father and i don't get along with a mofia family that tells me what I can and can not do with MY OWN CHILDREN when I am there. It's a trap but what choice do I have. I haven't seen my children since two weeks before school started in MO> will be 5 months by the time I get there. So no matter what their family does to me, I must be strong and endure all the name calling, all the put downs about how mom can't afford the things THEY can etc. If I step out of line, they have the power to keep me from seeing them again until spring, or summer when I can bring them here.

My kids are almost at the age they can chose, but I laugh at that because this freaking family will never allow them to come to me. What much of society doesn't realize is that judges can and ARE bought and paid for if one has the money to get the verdict they want no matter what the situation is. I know this because I was married into that family for 16 years and I worked for the firm, plus my ex and I got into trouble with things we should to this day be in prison for. I tell ya all, that day sure straightened my ***** out and I have never dealt or done illeagal drugs again! (this was B4 children by the way)

I am probably going to bore many of you about all of this however, it gives me a place to cry, shed my anger and so much more even if no one reads or replies, that's ok.

We may not have millions, hell we don't even have a hundred dollars and I am wracking my brain on how I am going to get enough money to give each of them something they want. Just having me there isn't going to be enough, hell they are kids and they can't help it if I show up with nothing, they will be disapointed and I will feel worse than they will . I pray for God's will allowing us a way to give my children a wonderful christmas from us, and not have them go back to their home empty handed from us. Right now it's not looking very bright. There is no salvation army here, NOTHING to help. Painting with them is a good activity as someone mentioned.

Well I will stop for now. Hugs and love to you all.