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I am wondering if anyone out there comes from a more dysfunctional family unit than I do? Lately, I’m bothered by it more than ever before. I want to hear from anyone who can tell me something to make sense of how I arrived where I am.
My parents are 70, married 50 years. I have an older brother 50 and a younger sister 42.
I left home at 17, put myself through college, then moved out of state and away from the family circle, a long time ago. My siblings stayed behind inside the circle.
I’ve never known my parents to have any friends.
Dad was a child beater and a wife beater on a weekly basis, and he cheated in his marriage for the first 30 years up until he was 50 years old. My mother found out about all the affairs. Growing up was about physical abuse and trespass.
Today, both parents exist together in a state of mutual mental abuse. They continue to abuse their children mentally.
My dad at 70 is always expressing that he wishes someone would beat his adult children up.
You could never ask dad a question because he always told everyone what he thought they wanted to hear. Today, I will not ask my dad a question because he is a known lier and I won’t give him the opportunity to embarrass himself.
Growing up, both parents, rapidly evolved into a pattern of hating everyone around them and blaming all their misfortunes on everyone else. They have the belief that they are the only ones that had to work for what they have and that everyone else got theirs because of either inheritance or because they cheated someone else out.
Over time, both parents started hating their parents and their siblings and today the generation ago is estranged.
Both parents have no regrets or apologies for how they lived their life and they will tell you that they were the victims; strangely.
Mom’s coping mechanism is to make excuses for everything bad that my dad and siblings do and somehow she always manages to turn the situation around to be the victim.
Dad’s coping mechanism is to be the finger pointer and ascribe blame to everyone else around him. He is perfect and never does anything wrong to people.
Ironically, now my siblings have evolved into this dominant pattern of hating everyone and blaming everyone. If you listen to them, they each have suffered so much setback in life than anyone in the history of the world. They are not talking to each other and have stopped communicating with me also. They neither one have any friends. They view me as having a picture perfect life and I’ve become their enemy for some unknown reason.
Their coping mechanism is isolation from everyone (the world) around them.
Similarly to my dad, I will not ask my brother a question because all he does is lie to me. My sister only speaks in half truths which is another form of keeping something covered up.
All four of them are void of any effective communication skill sets.
For the last 24 years, I have tried to forgive the trespasses and abuse and focus on moving everyone forward and finding a better way of existing together. I’ve done so by showing them an example in me. I have, without being asked, offered my parents and siblings thousands whenever I learned of a setback and I provided my time and services to all of them so that they would not have to hire it out. I used to call them all once a week to keep communication and relations moving positively. I have arranged 4 family vacations and paid for everyones hotel, air and rental fees. I used to travel back home to see them every other month. I was everyone’s psychologist when they were down in the valleys. I sent my parents gifts in the mail all through the year to make them feel worthy. I bought my sister an entire porcelain service for 10 from Russia and had it imported; just because she didn’t have a formal dining service.
Today, I’m a terrible brother and son. They resent all that I’ve been able to do and offer them. They criticize everything I provide them free of charge. I give them three thousand dollars and they complain that I was stingy because I should have given them five. To listen to them, all the family vacations were horrible and I did everything the cheapest way possible. They refuse to go anywhere with me in the future but none of them will step to the plate to arrange the next family vacation.
I have not gone home for any holiday in two years because I don’t know these people any longer and it’s become uncomfortable for me to be around them. I suppose in light of all the mental abuse I receive whenever I initiate an interaction that my coping mechanism is to insulate myself from them and their reign of terror.
Growing up I was taught that you have to accept people for what they are and what you can not change in them but I don’t find this a healthy teaching based on my observations of my immediate family circle and mostly because of my experience observing people across a wide spectrum since I’ve lived out of state. My philosophy is that if people are not willing to change then you have to change the way in which you interact with them.
A part of me wishes I could find an adoptive family to be my parents and siblings.
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