I am so sorry you feel this was sweetie. I know how hard the delusional part can be. And finding out you have been in the middle of a delusional phase when you did not know is hard. Bipolar is hard. I just went through this same thing. And I am still in it for all intents and purpose. When I was at my pdoc yesterday I was telling him that I am all better and then we started talking about my Dad and he asked if I still felt that my stepmother killed my father and I said YES. So he tells me you are still delusional. I told him I feel fine, I don't think I am delusional and I know she killed him. He said no it never happened and you are just delusional. My husband was with me. It was not fun.

As far as being a horrible mother how can you control a panic attack? That is a chemical reaction in your body. For people that have panic attacks and anxiety it is not something that they can just "get over" or control on their own. My ten year old son has just been put on meds because he has panic attacks. This is NOT something to beat yourself over. Yes, it is hard to feel like you should be there for you daughter and then have your own body fail you, but things happen. The Drs. took care of her...yes? She is ok now...yes? You were an awesome mother for taking her and caring so much that you got so scared. I need you to know that a horrible mother would not have gotten a panic attack. A horrible mother would not have been there to take her to the hospital.

Please don't go off your meds. I did. It made things so much worse for me. I had horrible delusions and hallucinations. I was extremey manic then depressed and then the worst mixed episodes ever. The scary thing is the kids. You find yourself saying things to them you would have NEVER said on medication. I am not talking about mean things just you don't have a censor so you just say anything and then they just stare at you and when you realize what you've said then you get defensive, but they're kids. Ugh just gets messy. Not sure if you're married, but that's a whole other can of worms if you go off your meds because your fights are SO not fair. You NO filter you have NO boundries and they hurt a LOT. And then there's the anger and the no sleep. To me it's not worth it. Please reconsider this decision. Please consider the really bad depression that could occur. Things could get really bad. Your family doesn't deserve this. You don't deserve this. YOU are worth so much more.