Today I went to the contemplative group at the hospital I go to for my addictions treatment. It's a harm reduction group, but it's also the group that people start out in while they're building up the required 2 weeks of sober / clean time to get into the core abstinance based treatment program. So there's a real mix of people there. I go to it, because it provides some additional structure to my week & because I figure I can use the extra support while I'm job hunting.

Well today there was a woman there who had been in an abstinance based women's only group 18 months or 2 years ago. She'd dropped out of the group when school started as she was a supply teacher. But she seemed to be doing really well when I last saw her.

She told the group today that she'd relapsed bad, attempted suicide twice this year, lost her car, her condo - basically everything and was renting a room that she might get kicked out of if she doesn't stop drinking, because apparently when she drinks she blacks out and gets violent. She said she'd spent the last 5 nights in her condo before it got repossessed today, drinking.

And she told the group today that her goal wasn't to get back to abstinance but to try to control her drinking. i was torn between wanting to scream "are you crazy?" at her, and thinking thank God that's not me. She's had to go on disability which puts her well below the poverty line.

And the thing is, that could so easily be me. It really scares me. I'm so stressed out about job hunting that all I want to do is drink and obliterate my feelings except I know that would make things infinitely worse for me.

I can't wait to get to my AA meeting tomorrow morning, because i know that for the 90 minutes I'm there I won't be freaked out and stressing.

I so have to stay sober right now.

--splitimage