I'm tired of everything. The ups and downs (though the ups don't go very high, or last long at all).

And right after I'm done being depressed I'll be so high strung again. Panicing, worrying, fidgeting. It just makes me think that there isn't any point anymore, in any of it. Why are we even alive in the first place?

It's... upsetting that I'm depressed as hell and thinking to myself "well, better than being panicy, this is a good thing!" I feel like an unwanted bother wherever I go, like my life is worth nothing and if I were to die in the night nobody would notice. And those who did wouldn't care very long anyway. I feel like I'm... tolerated by my friends. Like they'd be relieved if I was gone.

I want to be alone. I want to be surrounded by people, so that I'm not alone. Everything I think, or do, I'm a walking contradiction.

Today I've eaten... 2 popsicles. And a mini kit kat bar. I've completely lost my appetite, food looks and sounds disgusting. I think "oh, I should eat something" then can't find anything that looks good. So I'll start losing weight again, right after I put it back on from the last time I got like this.

There just isn't an end in sight, is there?