T then said that I think its a renactment of the sa that you experienced as a child the being drawn to it because it made you feel adult grown up and escape from your childhood powerlessness that your mother created and that you had to hide it, had to hide the feelings also from yourself, and then the tears came!! the 2 activitys connected, I could see why I am renacting this punishment on myself and then feeling afraid that I will get into trouble, we sat for a while me just tears falling and then I said I can see everything so clear now, my entire childhood was one of maddness, I was like a spinning top and thought anyone not attracted to drama/excitment/living on the edge were dead, but it was me being attracted to these things because I was escaping my own inner deadness that was forced on me by my adoptive mother and other kids didnt need the maddness, they were already alive! T nodded yes and then asked how I was feeling now? I said so much better, I can understand things so much better now!!