I have no training in helping people so can't give you any answers. I just wanted you to know that I care.
I have been in the deepest darkest parts of depression and fought to get rid of the horrid feelings only to slide back again. I can empathize with your feelings but sorry I have no answers.
Sometimes just posting your thoughts and feelings here where others with your disease can read them will help. But never ever think that no one cares.