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Blue Krik · Nov 06, 2010, 03:03 PM

Hey...It's been a long time since I last logged in here, and that's probably a bad thing. I say this because the last time I was around I was dealing with a major depressive episode and it felt good to be around people who could share some of their wisdom. And then, my hypomania kicked in and I felt like I didn't need anyone, like I was on top of the world and I could do anything.

Back in March I was dealing with the emotional abuse of my family and that was pretty much all I could think of. In April when my moods began to switch, I turned my whole life upside down. I moved from Romania to the UK (what?!), I dropped out of college (though I'm not sorry, accountancy was really not my thing), and here I am now. My hypomaniac episode has been going on for some time, because I dropped all my medication (having moved all across the continent, I had to stop therapy). And well, I've been lying to myself, pretending like this is how life is supposed to be, like I'm not in some kind of high of the bipolar disorder.

But. Lately, I've been feeling down. I think another depressive episode is on its way and I say that because I recognize most of the symptoms. Before, I used to stay in bed all day and watch TV shows (because I couldn't stand being alone and so I had to hear SOME people talk - thus the TV shows). I stopped doing that when I moved to London. I used to be annoyed with people, bothered that they would call or ask to see me. I'm in that place again, after seven months of being a complete social butterfly. I thought of this being the result of the approaching winter, but it's more than that. I feel perpetually sad and without purpose, no matter what I do. I can't seem to keep any friends and that saddens me even more. Practically the only good thing that came from my hypomaniac episode was discovering what I really want to do with my life, but that's not going to help me if I get depressed now.

I guess...I don't know. I just needed to vent a little, I'm scared of what's right around the corner, because of how I reacted the last time. And while I understand my high time was only a manifestation of this disorder, I kind of enjoyed it. Even though I moved away from home, in a country where I don't know anyone and I was completely alone at first. People called me brave, but I think I'm just a fool. In the end, I'm still alone. My relationship with my parents changed, in that my father thinks I'm so awesome because I had the courage to leave, but now he expects me to do things like go back to school, get married, buy things like cars and houses etc etc etc. I'm just at the beginning of this road and while it's hard for perfectly sane people to do all that, I feel it's even harder for me. I can't really pick up and do stuff on command, especially if I feel like I don't matter in this world. Which is kind of how I feel right now. It's just...Some days I feel totally fine, and then the night comes and I'm so blue. And then there are those days when I feel completely worthless.

I don't know. I'm thinking of going back to therapy, because it seems that the only way to learn to live with bipolar disorder is through the right medication. Who knows.