welcome to pc, bluemonkey. i am glad u found us!  i can certainly relate to your feelings. do you see a therapist? i know it has helped with my depression. also where you live is there the opportunity to babysit, clean homes etc? more info would help us. don't know how remote you are.
meanwhile keep posting, it helps and you'll get feedback and good ideas i hope. 
as for your faith, somtimes it's about all we have to get thru something. do you tell your higher power what you need? it might help.
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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