ECHOES, I like that you posted a concern we don't see voiced here much.

ECHOES, my T is a powerful man and has a lot of presence. But he is also very gentle and has a way of giving space, and he knows the power of silence. I like that he is strong and has a presence, because I am strong too, and I sometimes feel I can be "too much" for some people, and especially I tend to try to dial it back for men, because a lot of men prefer women who are more sweet and dainty (or something! but I am not it). In this way I feel that my T and I can match each other at the intensity or strength level and I don't have to try to be a person I'm not. But I also feel he is very sensitive and can match what I need that day. He can dial his own self back to be calm and accepting and reserved.

There have been times I was happy he was "too much" for me, as when I was just really not wanting to carry the show that day and just let him fill the space with himself. Sometimes it is nice to let someone do that for me. And once I remember he had this kind of traumatic thing happen to him and just spewed forth all his energy to release it and I was quite bowled over. Whoa.... But it was OK, and he thanked me for standing there for him.

I feel I can learn a lot from him about how to be with different sorts of people. I really like to be with my T and I like who he is and how he is. But yet I would have a hard time being my T's friend in real life. I think he might be too much for me in real life. He has a high energy level, and often I don't. I don't think he would squish me in a relationship by being "bigger" than I am, but I might have to push back more than I would normally like to. In therapy, he isn't "too much" though.

What did she say to that? Do you mean she is distracting you from focusing on yourself and your concerns?

I agree, ECHOES, you are not stupid. Far from it! There are times my T says something I do not understand, and I can tell it just may be really important. So I ask him to slow down, and repeat it, and give me a chance to figure it out. Or I ask him for an example. I try to repeat back to him in my own words what I think he is trying to say. This helps me understand. I am not bothered by his saying things I do not get at first.

I think it is great you ask for silences, and I hope she can work on this, as I think it is a good skill for Ts to have. Maybe you could work out some signal, where when you want her to not jump right into the silence and fill it, you can hold up your hand to her, and she can back up and sit quietly. I hope you can stop feeling guilty. You are just asking for what you need. You aren't there to make the hour not be "difficult" for her.

Do you mean her always filling the silences? That analysis doesn't do that? That she has to "analyze"/talk a lot and not let you figure things out?

That's interesting. Do you spend a lot of time talking out "us" and wish you spent more time talking only about your own concerns outside of therapy? I don't spend much time talking about "us" with my T, but when we do, there are times it has been really good, and there are times it has been really challenging! I know some Ts like to spend a lot of time on this. I do think that the client should be able to bring up the topics they want to talk about, so if your T wants to talk about "us" and you don't want to, are you able to change the topic?

I loved this comment from tree! Sometimes I just like to sit and be with my T and not explore a dang thing. Is that a crime in the world of therapy?