boodles, i am sorry for your difficult family situation. from reading your post it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of codependent behavior on your part. have you read up on that at all or considered going to co-dependents anonymous? i think it could really help and would provide some much needed support for you. it sounds as if you are trying to hold together a family that doesn't want to be held together. it is time to let go and let everyone live their own lives. you absolutely can't change others. if your family will go to counseling then i think it could be quite helpful but it will no doubt be difficult. good luck.