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Nov 06, 2010, 09:00 PM
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Member Since: Aug 2009
Location: Fringes of the bell-shaped curve
Posts: 779
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 Hi, so_punk_rock! You're considerably younger than me, but if you don't mind input from an old lady...
I think it's natural that you would focus on certain people when you think about being in relationships, especially since you're artistic - you would have more of a tendency to "personify" your thoughts and emotions. The problem with creating "fantasy relationships" in your mind with specific individuals is that your mental image of a real person will become a physical representation of all that you want and would hope for in a relationship partner - even attributing characteristics and qualities to that physical representation (person) that that person does not actually possess. As a result, that person's image will trigger your "love" emotions causing you to create an emotional bond with that individual. We're wired this way - babies bond visually to parents' faces which come to represent love, belonging, caring, security, etc. - in "normal" families, that is.
Since you are isolated due to your condition, don't interact much with others, and don't see a lot of people's faces, your feelings of loneliness and the desire for a relationship will automatically produce the image of those people you think about the most - in other words, the "objects of your desire." This could make it difficult for you to be attracted to a real person who actually does possess the qualities you want in a relationship partner, especially since we tend to be drawn to and more comfortable with that which is familiar. Believe me - most of us experience this in our lifetimes - so don't think you're the only one.
Perhaps you could depersonalize things a bit by writing about the qualities you want to develop in yourself and the qualities you want in a relationship partner - who that other person would have to be in order to be in a relationship with the person you want to become. This may help you view yourself and others more objectively. I don't think there's anything wrong with you thinking more about your career than relationships - it's important that you find the work that provides you with a living, but also feeds your soul - the work that's worth getting up for every day. You will probably have many different types of relationships with many different people throughout a lifetime, so the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. You don't have to wait until you consider yourself to be "perfect" before establishing relationships with others because it is all that you experience with others throughout your lifetime that will help you to define and redefine your identity - to learn to discern - to learn what and who belongs in the life of the person you want to become.
This was a bit hard to put into words, so I hope it makes sense! If not, let me know and I will clarify. Take it easy on yourself - you're just starting your journey. lynn09
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"I walked a mile with Pleasure; she chattered all the way, But left me none the wiser for all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow and ne'er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her when Sorrow walked with me!"
(Robert Browning Hamilton; "Along The Road")
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